I have previously talked about non-monogamous relationships and the benefits I have found from being in one for over 19 years. If you feel non-monogamy is for you, I want to talk about how to bring up your want or need for an open relationship.
I first want to start out by saying, like everything in life, this isn’t a one size fits all approach. Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. So, take what I am saying and adapt it to you, your partner, and your relationship. If you need help along the way, know that you can reach out to me and I would love to help you through this.
I also want to tell you, assuming you are currently in a monogamous relationship, this isn’t a one time conversation, then, poof, you are in an ethical non-monogamous (ENM) relationship. If you want to change your relationship, it will take time and patience from both of you. Change requires active conversations that include listening to one another and constant support and reassurance toward your partner. Your partner will definitely experience a whole range of emotions during this time. They may feel insecure as they process the thought of not being enough or feeling like they should be someone different. Your partner may experience anger. Switching from a monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous one is a complete 180 degree shift. Your significant other might get mad at you for wanting to change the rules of your relationship. They might be fearful of losing you, life as they know it, and even your family. Confusion, hurt, anxiety, jealousy, scared, worried, sad, lonely, ashamed, and unloved are some of the other emotions that a conversation of this magnitude might bring up. Do you get the point though? It will take a lot to process through all of these emotions before your significant other will even be able to understand why you want to open up your relationship. The last thing you want to do is bully someone you love into doing something that they are uncomfortable with. This will only manifest resentment and anger and cause bigger problems down the road.
One last thing I want to say before I get into how to talk about this. Opening up your relationship isn’t a way to fix or repair a relationship if it is already broken. You have to be prepared for your partner to say “NO” to an ENM relationship and you ultimately have to be ok with their decision.
Ok, now we’re ready to start talking about the steps you need to take in order to talk to your partner about opening up your relationship.
First, do your work. Figure out why you want to do this. Are you bisexual or pansexual and feel limited by being in a monogamous relationship? Do you want to help your partner live out some sexual fantasies they have? Do you want to live out some of your own fantasies? Most of the relationships that I have seen ”open up”, usually go into a lifestyle or swinger style of relationship because having sex with someone else is usually easier to comprehend than loving someone as you would in a polyamorous relationship. That is not to say, opening your marriage up directly to a polyamorous relationship isn’t doable. Whatever your reason and whatever you are looking for is up to you. If you are not sure what you want, go back to my first article, A Non Traditional Relationship-A Relationship Reinvented, to see the different types of non-monogamous relationships and see if that helps you.
Once you figure out your why, find a time to talk to your partner about this. A time that can be free of distractions. When you are ready, ask them if they have the mental capacity to have a serious conversation. If they say no, see what you can do to help alleviate their mental load. Do they need to vent about work or do they need help with house chores? Then, ask them again at a later time. Be patient and be careful not to nag though as this will only make them more anxious.
After you and your partner are ready, start your conversation with gratitude for your relationship and appreciation for them. Then, without blaming them (this is why knowing “your why” is so important), tell them why you would like to open the relationship. Don’t use vague words or terms. Be as precise as possible in regard to what you want or need. Using the term “open up our relationship” is very vague and can mean many different things to different people. Also, don’t just focus on what you will get out of this. Tell them some benefits that they might enjoy.
This can look something like, “I really value and appreciate our relationship and I am so happy that I feel so secure with you that I can bring this to you. Since reading Steph’s article, I have been really interested in a lifestyle type of relationship where we can have sex with other people. Especially after some of the conversations we had about our fantasies. Of course, we would start slowly by maybe going to a lifestyle club together just to walk around and check it out. I am still 100% committed to you and our relationship and do not want to jeopardize that. I was wondering what your thoughts are about doing something along these lines?”
Don’t monologue, be as specific as possible so you don’t lose them in all your words. Then, stop talking and LISTEN to what they have to say. In an ideal world, they would ask questions about why you want to do this and what that would look like. They may also shut down or get mad or go through any or all of the emotions listed above. If this happens, reassure them that you are still committed to your relationship with them. Make sure they know how much you value them and make them feel secure.
If the answer is no, then, ask them why and ask them about their fears. Use this as a segway to improve your relationship. Maybe your partner will express their fears that you will fall in love with someone else and leave them. Then, reassure them and prove to them how much you value your relationship with them. If they have concerns about sexually transmitted infections (STIs), then talk about safe sex practices and routine testing.
Ask them if there is anything that they may be comfortable with or that might interest them. We are all human and we all have desires and needs. Ask your partner if you both can come talk to me to help you work through any issues. Again, reassure them that in the end you want to be with them.
Opening up your relationship can have many benefits, but only if both of you are on board. I hope this gives you a good starting point to open discussion with your partner. I would love to hear from you if you want to have or have had this conversation with your partner. Reach out to me on social media or drop me an email at Steph@KoruLifeCoaching.com.
