A Non Traditional Relationship–A Relationship Reinvented
When I was growing up, the only relationship style that I was exposed to was monogamy. I didn’t see a same sex relationship until high school. The thought of having a marriage where partners could have sex or an intimate relationship with other people while still married would have been mind blowing to me at that time. Now that I have grown and learned about myself since then, I became ready for a relationship rewrite. I now see non traditional relationships everywhere, including my own.
Monogamy has been a social norm for centuries in many cultures. With the rising expansion and acceptance of different genders, sexual orientation, and growing understanding of our own wants and needs, we now need to look at redefining a relationship.
Non traditional relationships are on the rise. A study done by YouGovAmerica done in January, 2020 reports that of the participants they questioned, 32% felt like their ideal relationship would be non monogamous to some extent. Of the millennials polled, 43% said the same. Currently, 23% say their relationships are non-monogamous to some degree. A non traditional relationship can have many looks. There are non-sexual relationships and purposeful ones. There are relationships labeled polyfidelity, polyamory, ENM, or relational anarchy, to name a few. In this article, we will look into defining some of these terms to see if any of them resonate with you and your partner if you are feeling the monogamy title is no longer serving you and your complicated relationship.
Purposeful
A purposeful relationship is not based in sex or title but is between people who share a common purpose. The participants are committed to each other but with no specific outcome wanted.
Polygamy
Polygamy is one of the oldest type of nonmonogamy out there and is still practiced throughout different cultures. Polygamy is when one person marries two or more other people. When there is one husband and multiple wives, it is called, polygyny. If the wife has multiple husbands it is called polyandry, but these arrangements are more rare.
Polyamory
Polyamory, often thought of as the opposite of monogamy, is defined as “many loves.” Polyamory is a relationship with more than one partner with everyone’s knowledge and consent. Polyamory has a couple different subcategories. The first is hierarchy. This is when a couple continues to be each other’s primary (can be called primary, anchor, or nesting) relationship and other relationships secondary. A triad (often called a throuple) is when a couple are both dating another person. In a quad relationship, two couples have relationships within themselves in whatever combination they have decided. Similar is a polyfidelity relationship where everyone in the group agrees to only be with the people in the group (this does not have to be couples). Solo polyamory is when a person does not want a single partner, usually lives alone, and their partners are aware of each other. A Vee (or closed V) is when one person is dating two people. Those two people know about each other but are not romantically involved.
Open
An Open relationship is a generic term used to describe a relationship where within the couple they decide to have sexual relations with other people outside of their partnership. Open relationships focus more on sex than the emotional attachment of a relationship. This can also be called ethical non-monogamy (ENM) or consensual non-monogamy. The most common form of an open relationship is swinging (lifestyle) where in a couple is interested in casual sex with others and not necessarily looking for an intimate relationship. Monogamish is another term, popularized by Dan Savage’s book titled the same, and describes a relationship that the couple has agreed to terms on having sexual relations with others.
Relational Anarchy
When someone describes themself as a relational anarchist (RA), they do not want to follow any rules of a relationship except those that they decide with their partner(s). They have no set rules about hierarchy in a relationship either.
Any relationship takes a lot of work to succeed and that is also true for non-traditional relationships. Honest, open communication is a must. You have to know how to talk about and uphold your boundaries. You must be able and willing to talk about expectations and the importance of trust.
Do you, like me, feel that a monogamous relationship feels too confining? Did any of the above listed relationships resonate with you? Do you feel like you are ready to open up your relationship and explore a more modern relationship? Are you ready to have the relationship you want? Now what do you do?
Start by having open conversations with your partner. Tell them why you feel like a different style of relationship feels better to you. Don’t have any expectations that your relationship will change over night. Reach out to a coach that specializes in non monogamy, like myself, to help you navigate the tough spots before, during, and after your relationship changes. Patience will be a virtue during this process as this is a change in most people’s beliefs. My husband and I have been in an open relationship for over 19 years. We have had our share of ups and downs along the way like any relationship, but we are so happy that we have been able to have the relationship we want according to our rules.
