Repair
Disagreements are inevitable. No matter how in sync you are with someone, there will be a time when you don’t see eye to eye and a fall out occurs. Sometimes our fights can be minor and not feel bad at all, sometimes they feel like they might be the end of a relationship. There are times where we listen and talk with love and respect and sometimes our anger or frustrations get the best of us and we speak hurtful words. That is just part of life and part of sharing your life with someone else.
What do you do after you have a conflict with someone? Do you just move on like nothing happened? Do you apologize for your wrongdoing? Do you sulk around until the other person apologizes? Do you cut them out of your life? Do you do any sort of repair?
Do you know what repair is? Repair is when you come together after an agreement and try to understand where your partner is coming from while owning your part of the altercation. It’s time to try to understand their point of view, even if you don’t agree with it, and make amends. Where you make them feel heard and increase your connection.
Let me break this down a bit further. Repair occurs after you have some time to cool down after an argument. When things still seem a bit unsettled and tensions can still be high.
So where do you begin? Start by thinking about your role in this argument. You think it is all their fault and you don’t have a role in it? Think again. If you were part of the disconnect, you have a role in it. Maybe you responded with a snide comment, maybe you lost your temper and yelled, maybe you weren’t clear enough with your communication. Whatever it is, own it.
Next, think about how the other person feels. Put yourself in their shoes. From their perspective, can you understand why they got hurt or mad, no matter what your intent was? Take some time with this step. It can be challenging to look past your point of view, but it is key. This does not mean you have to agree with them, you just have to see their point of view.
Now I think you are ready to repair with them. Start with consent, ask them if now is a good time to chat. If it is a good time, briefly tell them that you understand where they are coming from and own your part. If they say they need more time, then respect them and give it to them, but ask if you can talk about it at a specific time. Then apologize and tell them what you have learned and how you will try to avoid doing that again in the future.
Let me give you some phrases that may help you.
- “I can see how my (comment/action) hurt you. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I am sorry. I will try to limit my snide remarks in the future.”
- “I am sorry that when I felt like you were attacking me, I attacked back. I know my words hurt you. Next time when I feel attacked I will try to own it and tell you in a respectful way instead of trying to hurt you.”
- “I know it must be as frustrating to you as it is to me when you feel like you have to tell me over and over again to do something. I will work on doing my part around the house more so you don’t have to continually tell me about it.”
- “I am sorry I hurt your feelings. The comments I made were dumb and I was just trying to be funny, but I shouldn’t at your expense.”
- “Can we try this again? I know that last conversation didn’t go like we wanted. I do want to understand your point of view better. Can you tell me again and I will try not to be so defensive.”
Repair is something that I am bad at. I have never learned about it until recently, so it is hard to remember. When I do repair with someone after a disagreement, it decreases my stress and makes me feel like I don’t have to shy away from difficult conversations in the future.
Did you notice I didn’t say partner during this blog as this can and should be done with anyone we have a disagreement with. That can be your partner, coworker, child, friend, whomever.
Do you repair after disagreements? What are some other phrases you like to use? Let me know on social media or send me an email at Steph@KoruLifeCoaching.com
