Five Important Steps in Keeping a Relationship Strong
As a relationship coach, I get asked frequently what are the keys to a relationship surviving. Honestly, this is a question I ask couples who are married for a long time as I feel they usually have some gems to share, too.
It doesn’t matter if you are in an ethical non monogamous relationship or a monogamous relationship, as I feel these five tips are for any relationship.
First, even though these are in no particular order, you have to own your part of any problem or disagreement. There is never a time where 100% of the blame can be placed on one person. If you are in the relationship, you are part of the problem.
Now, I know some of you are saying that is BS Steph, but hear me out. A recurring fight Mike and I have is that I do not like him to set up plans for us without checking in with me first. He recently did this to me and it really upset me. At first, I was completely blaming him as he made plans with a date and time before reaching out to me. I mean how much clearer could it be that I do not like when he does this as it adds stress to my life and it makes me feel like I have to do whatever he makes plans for. All things we have talked about in the past. Sounds like he is 100% to blame doesn’t it?
It’s not though. This is a boundary that I have not been able to keep for myself. Even though we have talked about it and he knows the stress it causes, it is still a boundary that I need to take responsibility to maintain until he learns to uphold it. Ultimately it is my responsibility not to let him barrel through my boundaries. So, by owning my portion of the blame (not holding my own boundaries), I was able to process through my anger and tell him that even though I was not happy about him making plans without discussing them with me beforehand, I would consider it. I was then able to look at the event without underlying anger and decided if I wanted to go or not. If I would have hung onto the anger, then I could have decided to go and be resentful towards him and not enjoy it or say no and miss out on a really nice event. I was able to own my part and made a decision with a clear head.
Another way to look at ownership is to say you are rear ended in your car. If you didn’t make the decision to leave when you left (did you leave early or late?), drive the speed you were driving (were you late and driving faster than normal?), and drive that specific route, you would not have been in the accident. Your decisions brought you to that place at that time even if you aren’t the person who caused the accident.
Another key to success in relationships is you have to be willing to learn. None of us are perfect, and we can all do things better. In a relationship, that means you are willing to learn to communicate better, you are willing to learn to try new hobbies to spend more time together. Maybe you have to learn to wash the dishes the way your partner likes them (even though there is nothing wrong with the way you do them), just to cut down on arguments and to make your partner feel seen and heard. You learn to compromise, you learn when it’s ok to be selfish. You learn when it is important to fight about the dishes and when it’s not. If you stop learning or refuse to learn, it will only cause more strife and drive you and your partner apart.
I also like to tell people to learn who you are and trust in that person. There is nobody who is the same person they were 5 years ago, we all grow and change. You have the choice of being in charge of who you are or just going with the flow and adapting accordingly. Going with the flow and adapting sounds like a peaceful way of going about life, but, in the long run, it isn’t. Let me give you an example. When I first started Koru Life Coaching, I thought I could still do it all. I would say yes to everything we were invited to and frequently found myself stressed out about not having time and energy to put towards my coaching. I would go with the flow and allow the events of my life to control when I would write, set up coaching calls, do research, etc. In the long run, that did not cause my life to be easier, it actually caused the opposite. I would be stressed all the time and not enjoy anything that I was doing. It wasn’t until I chose what was important to me and started to prioritize those things that I started to find joy in everything I was doing.
In my mind, another key to success is remembering you are on the same team. This is something I have written on in the past and you can check out my previous blog about this here.
Being on the same team means you have a common goal together (your relationship) and you work together to get there. Maybe one person carries more of the load than others, and sometimes it can be reversed. You can have differences on how to get to a goal, but you have to work through them. You have to trust that your teammate isn’t purposefully trying to sabotage the team with the decisions they make. Be the best teammate you can be.
The last piece of advice I like to give is that none of us know how long anyone will be in their life.Treasure those moments that you do have together and when that time is up, don’t forget that this is someone you once loved. All relationships will come to an end, either by death or just with time. It always pains me to see people who once loved each other so much become bitter enemies through divorce or break ups. Pain can cause us to want to act revengeful or become angry, but don’t lose sight of that person you fell in love with. If they changed, we all changed but that doesn’t mean you have to attack and hurt them. End it peacefully and with respect for yourself and them.
So what do you think about the tips I like to pass on? Do you have any others that you feel are needed for successful relationships? Let me know! You can tell me on social media or reach out to me at Steph@KoruLifeCoaching.com
