WE Are The Champions!!
The Colorado Avalanche just won the Stanley Cup playoffs!! They battled series after series to be the team who gets to hoist the cup above their heads. Throughout the playoffs, there was screaming and yelling and even some tears. The players exchanged many f-bombs and called each other names. We watched plenty of cheap shots and saw many fists fly. In the end, each and every player in burgundy and blue got to raise Lord Stanley’s Cup above their heads–the ultimate reward!
When you fight with your partner, are you trying to be like the Avs and be the ultimate champion at all costs?
Of course, you are going to say no. I don’t think any of us realize how we act when we fight with our partner. We learn how to fight during our childhood and from fighting with other people. When we fight, we fight from a place of pain and hurt, two emotions that do not bring out the best in any of us.
When you fight with your significant other, do you yell or raise your voice? Do you call your partner names or swear at them? Do you feel like you have to make them see your point of view and not hear theirs? Do you take cheap shots or make snide comments? Do you have to get the last word in? Still not sure? How does your partner react when you two fight? Be honest, this is only between me and you right now.
Yeah, me too. I am guilty of all these things and more when I fight with Mike. I want to change that. So, let me tell you some things I have been working on to try and minimize our fights and have constructive conversations instead.
First, if we start to get heated and start to raise our voices, I try to ask for a time out so we can cool off and start again later. Granted, sometimes this comes out as, “I can’t do this right now,” instead of a softer approach of “I feel like this is getting heated, let’s take an hour break and come back to this conversation.” I am working hard on giving a time when I will come back to the conversation, but I don’t do that consistently yet.
Another thing I am working on is being less defensive. In hockey, you need to have a strong defense, in a relationship you don’t. When I catch myself being defensive, I try to stop and listen to what Mike is actually saying and needing. I try to start asking him questions about what he needs from me and what I can do better. Does he need me to say something in a different manner? Maybe, we are saying the same thing but because of his past or mindset, he hears it differently. So, if a little tweak in the way I am saying it can cause less stress and frustration, why not say it that way?
Remembering that we are on the same team is another thing that helps me when we fight. Sure, every so often I do something that hurts Mike. But, it is never done with malice. Just like every once in a while there will be a weird bounce and you score on your own goalie. It wasn’t done on purpose, but it still sucks and it still hurts. I admit my mistake, apologize and try and not do it again.
One last thing that Mike and I try to do is own our parts in a fight. We try not to blame each other. Go read my, The Blame Game in Relationships: Who Really Wins to see how detrimental blaming can be to both parties involved.
Mike and I are not perfect, we still fight, but we are getting better at it.
There will always be disagreements in relationships. You will not always see eye to eye on everything. I hope these tips can help you and your significant other when you fight. Just remember, WE are the champions, you and your partner together. It’s not you versus them.
I would love to hear from you if you and your partner have some gameplans that you use when you fight to keep it clean and limit the cheap shots. Reach out to me on social media or drop me an email at Steph@KoruLifeCoaching.com.
