Listening
I have always been a listener. I don’t talk much about myself. If you ask me to tell you about myself, I freeze. It’s not that I mind talking about myself, I just find myself so…me. Don’t get me wrong, I do have an amazing life. We travel frequently to some beautiful places. We have friends all over the country and get the insider’s guide to most places we go, so we rarely find bad places to eat, stay, or visit. I have some interesting stories to tell from my over 25 years of experience being a volunteer firefighter, EMT, and an Emergency Room Nurse. I just like listening to others so much more. I’m not sure if I feel like I am learning from other people or if I think I can help them. Probably, a combination of them both, as I value both pretty equally.
I think if you ask most people if they feel like they are heard in their relationship they will say no. Throughout my years of listening, I have found that sometimes people just want to get their story out. All of it, from beginning to end, no matter how many side streets they take to get there. I think for most people, it’s hard to listen because we all form an opinion about what they are saying. Or maybe what they are talking about brings up a memory that we want to share. Both are completely understandable and great for normal conversation. However, When people come to us with their problems, I think this method isn’t nearly as helpful as we may want.
For those times when a friend comes to you for some advice or just needs to vent, let me give you some pointers that may help you listen better and in turn help them more.
First, start by giving them your attention. If you are limited on time, tell them that from the start. Put down your phone, turn off the television. If you have music on, make sure it is low enough that you can hear them clearly.
Look at them while they are talking. Don’t take this too far and stare at them constantly, but do make eye contact. Now, don’t forget to smile and react to what they are saying, act surprised or mad when they say something shocking. Try to feel how they felt during their story.
Now that they feel like they are the center of your attention, let them talk. Interrupt them to ask clarifying questions (“wait, was that your childhood friend or your new friend?”) so you don’t get lost. If they are bouncing all around in their story, you will have to interrupt more to follow along better. Ask them to repeat something if you drift off in your own mind for a moment. When you do lose attention, own it. Sometimes people do just ramble on, if you can say you are a bit lost, this may signal to them that they need to tighten up their story a bit.
Interrupting them to repeat something back to them is also helpful. It helps you keep track of their story and it helps them feel heard AND understood. If your friend wants to know your opinion or would like your advice (ask them if you aren’t sure!), I think this little wrap up is a great time to point out common themes they might be talking about. For instance, if they tell you how their partner keeps going out for a drink after work even though they asked them not to and follows it with a story about how their kids always push bedtimes with them but not their partner say something like, “it sounds like you don’t hold your boundaries with your partner or your kids. Do you think that is a problem for you?”
After giving this person your attention, listening intently, asking questions to clarify their story and repeating parts back to make sure you understand it correctly, ask them if you got it right and if they have anything more to say.
You will be amazed how people will appreciate being heard.
Writing this out may make it sound easy, but like anything, it isn’t at first (or we all would be doing it, right??). You have to practice this. I’m gonna warn you now, it will feel a bit weird at first. It will feel awkward, cumbersome, and even a bit fake, but keep doing it until it feels natural and see how people respond to you.
Would you like to practice this? I can help you! Reach out to me at Steph@KoruLifeCoaching.com and we can practice.
