The Blame Game in Relationships: Who Really Wins?
Do you feel like you are being blamed for everything in a relationship? Or do you feel like you are constantly blaming each other in a relationship? I think we can all say we have either blamed our partner or had our partners place the blame on us for a mishap in our relationship. It is not only common, it is a natural phenomenon in social psychology called fundamental attribution error (FAE). Wikipedia defines “FAE (also known as correspondence bias or attribution effect) as a tendency for people to underemphasize situational and environmental explanations for an individual’s observed behavior while overemphasizing dispositional- and personality-based explanations.” In other words, when something goes wrong you tend to blame a person and their character flaws instead of taking into consideration external factors that may have caused the mishap. If a similar event happens to yourself, you look at external factors. For instance, your partner forgot your anniversary. It is normal to think that they forgot because they don’t care about you or they are an idiot and never remember anything. On the flip side, if you forget your anniversary, you blame it on stress, being busy, or that the time just flew by.
Blame is a defensive mechanism that is learned usually during childhood, either from watching parents blame each other or other people or when a child is intensely shamed or punished when admitting they did something wrong or made mistakes. Sometimes not learning self-soothing mechanisms to deal with feelings as a child can teach children it is okay to blame others.
Now that we have learned blame is a common and natural defense that is learned as children, let’s take a deeper dive into why playing the blame game in relationships is detrimental to our relationships and the people in them.
First, let’s look at the blamer. When someone places blame on someone else it is usually done to protect their self-esteem and frequently done to avoid their own emotions, usually shame, hurt, disappointment, or inadequacy. By placing blame on others, the blamer actually gives up their power and places themselves in the victim role by handing over control of the situation. They are saying that until the blamee changes, the blamer can’t do anything, taking away the blamer’s agency which can lead to anger and depression.
The blamee also misses out on an opportunity for self-reflection, and thus, personal growth. Even though self-reflection can be difficult, it can actually help people to expand their sense of choice. The blamee is missing out exploring options they have to solve problems, therefore missing out on an opportunity to decide what is the best solution for them.
Over time, with frequent blaming, neuro pathways form making it harder for the blamee to see any positive actions the blamee is showing towards them, leading to more blaming. For instance if you blame your partner for being lazy, you might miss out on seeing them perform small chores to help out. If you miss out on seeing these actions being performed, you will only continue to see them being lazy and continue to blame them for that.
To me, these seem like some pretty hefty tolls to pay to avoid damaging your self esteem, but now let’s look at the other side and how the blamee is affected.
If you are in a relationship and have thought, “my partner blames me for everything,” then you know first hand how receiving blame can affect you. If you are always being blamed in a relationship, it can ruin your self esteem. The constant beratement eventually wears down any self worth that the blamee has. It can also make the blamee want to stop trying to improve things in their relationship as they go unnoticed. The blamee usually ends up having feelings of self blame and guilt.
Blaming can also cause a lack of intimacy and poor communication that affects everyone in the relationship.
Let me take a moment to talk about blame shifting in a relationship. Blame shifting is a form of emotional abuse. It is when the abuser does not take responsibility for the problems and doesn’t accept ownership for their emotions. This can come out as, “You make me so mad” or “I wouldn’t have to do this if you didn’t….” Blame shifting can also be when the abuser projects blame for the relationship problems onto their partner. This might come across as, “I wouldn’t get so angry if you wouldn’t nag me all the time.” In this form of abuse, the victim ends up believing they are the reason for the problems and they must work harder to fix the problem. No matter what the abused person does, the abuser will continue to blame them. Blame shifting can also include gaslighting and blaming the victim, where the abuser keeps switching the blame back onto the victim. If you are in a relationship where these things are occurring, please protect yourself, get out of the relationship as soon as you can and seek professional help to overcome the damage they have caused.
As long as you are not in an abusive relationship, I want to discuss ways to stop this blame game, no matter if you are the blamer or the blamee.
Start by owning your part of the mishap. If we are involved in the mishap then there is always something we can own. Figure it out and own up to it.
Apologize for your part. Apologizing can be disarming and can open a path for constructive conversations.
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Do you like to be blamed for things? I highly doubt it, so why would you blame the person you love most? If you are the blamee, has your partner been under more stress than normal? Maybe checking in with them to see how you can help alleviate some of that stress might help.
Have compassion. We all make mistakes, we all have flaws, sometimes we just have to let things go.
Talk it out, be vulnerable, and listen. Like most problems, good communication can help us get through it. Be vulnerable when you talk to your partner. Use “I” statements when speaking about your feelings so as to not place more blame. Listen with intent to hear your partner, not wanting to defend yourself. Talk about finding a common solution to the problem together.
The blame game is an easy trap to fall into and we all have been guilty of blaming others. I hope after reading this you become more aware of how it affects the people you love and yourself. I want to challenge you to notice when you do blame others and as soon as you do, own your part and apologize for it. Hopefully, over time, you will notice that your communication is easier and more effective.
