Yesterday, Mike and I celebrated our 12th year wedding anniversary. We had a low key celebration. We exchanged gifts in the morning and then Mike made a delicious breakfast. We spent some time hanging out with some old and new friends outside on a lovely spring day. Then, we had an amazing dinner at The Wolf’s Tailor, a restaurant we have been wanting to try for several years. It was a wonderful day of ’Us’ time. ‘Us’ spending time with friends. ‘Us’ spending time outdoors. But, most importantly, time for ‘Us’ to connect.
We use anniversaries as an opportunity to look back at where we have been and forward to what our goals are for the upcoming year. We talk about our wins and the struggles we have faced. I want to share with you what we have learned this year.
- It’s ok to lean on others. We have always had some amazing people surrounding us. It was never more needed and felt than one weekend this past August. We had a house full of friends when our dog Hayden became lethargic and diagnosed with a terminal bleeding liver mass. We were devastated. She was so sweet and loving and always right there with us. She was a huge part of our lives. Mike was building our van and we would daydream of all the trips that she would come on with us. It really was hard to do anything besides lay on the floor petting her and cry into her long soft hair and tell her how much we loved her. Our friends really stepped up and took care of everything. As we walked around in a zombie state, they helped make meals. They entertained themselves and us by sharing stories. They each took time with her and gave her love. When I needed to get out of the house for a bit, I tagged along with them to a show. Even though I was sad and not very social, they stood by me and led me into the middle of the dance floor to distract me. Mike and I are usually pretty independent but it was so nice to have people help us when our world was turned upside down.
- Change is inevitable and good communication will help us through it. Mike recently retired and even though it was the best decision, it brought a lot of changes that neither of us were ready for. I lost my ‘me time’, as he was home all the time, and when I had a day off he wanted to spend it with me. I needed time to recharge, but, also knew Mike needed time to socialize and felt more comfortable if we did it together. After some tough times, we were able to talk about both of our needs and found a better balance.
- Boundary setting is necessary for a healthy relationship. Being a people pleaser, I have always been bad at setting boundaries. I have learned that saying ‘No’ and setting boundaries helps to keep our relationship happy and strong. I can tell Mike when I need my time to recharge. I carve out time to work on my coaching career, even though it cuts into ‘Us’ time, and I also set aside time for Mike and I.
- Being more intentional with our time has made us happier. When we both were working, we felt like we missed out on so many things. After Mike retired, we really didn’t say no to much. Recently, Mike and I have been walking away from events feeling like they were a waste of our time and energy. We have now learned that being more intentional with what we are saying ‘yes’ to has helped to preserve our energy so we can be fully present with the people around us.
- We both need to learn and grow. Individual growth is necessary for our growth as a couple. Life is constantly changing. We can ride that wave and see where it takes us, or, we can take control and learn how to handle it in the best possible way.
- We need to find time for fun together. We travel frequently. We go to a lot of shows. But sometimes, we have our best times when we go for a bike ride together around town. It’s sometimes the simple things that help us connect the best.
- Flexibility is necessary. When we talk about making plans, I have found saying, “I would love to, but, I am not sure how I will feel” gives us the flexibility of backing out of something without the guilt.
- We need to make our relationship the priority. I have been caught up with starting my coaching business and blogging. There have been times that I allowed it to take away from our relationship. I have learned to make sure I am scheduling time for Mike and I to keep our relationship strong.
- We may not see eye to eye on everything. When we got Kylo, our new puppy, we learned that our parenting styles differ. That doesn’t mean I am right and Mike is wrong (or vice versa). That just means we have different thoughts and ideas. Good communication skills help us to find a common ground.
- Even in the roughest of times, we need to continue to work on maintaining our marriage. We have gone through a lot of changes that haven’t been easy to navigate. We both have a common goal of maintaining our marriage and helping to support each other through the rough patches.
We have learned a lot over the past 12 years. Some lessons we learn in a day and some lessons it has taken us 12 years to learn. Some lessons we continue to work on. Yesterday was a nice reminder of where we have been and fun to talk about where we are going, together. I’m looking forward to the fun times ahead and to see what lessons we will learn this year.
